What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 05:52
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i do to all so called friends.?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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All the time i was locked up.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is soul school!.
What made you feel satisfied about your life today?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was 9 years of age.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I said to her
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I don,t even have a pension.
She wouldn,t have been !
I think the readers, may guess!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She loved him until the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I couldn’t, believe it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We were not on the streets..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
How much should one budget to travel for 1 month generally?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why does my girlfriend keep asking me if I love her?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Which race of women are the hottest?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My family never makes their pension either.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it wasn’t much.
I was very sick at this time too.
Comes on , in middle age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I will be 64.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He resisted the act ,that day.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
It was going to be , some day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im still living with it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My life is so biszare .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Who then, do I blame.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But, we were locked up after school.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot live in the past .
So whats the point in blame.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I write beautiful poetry .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And i lived it daily.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I have no regrets .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So, i spoilt her more .
What did i know ?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was seconnd youngest,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
When she asked me how she looked .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was scared of men, in general
She found it foreign!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Put me off passion for life!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was in good health!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She married twice! .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Ive learnt so much.
I waited trembling.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He knew the spot.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Was to survive, this bastard.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Would this be the day?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We all went to grammer schools
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.